People... From the light of a sincere smile to the gut punch of apathy. I know I sound arrogant and pompous when I say this but, when it comes to people? I’m as sure as the sun shines and as right as rain. It’s a pretentious cliché but its true; that’s why alot of the time I refuse to give an honest opinion on anyone because I don’t like hurting people, I don’t like disappointing people and I definitely don’t like embarrassing people. There are some who say “I believe in this” and ” would never do that” but they are acting and essentially being the things they claim not to be. Ignorant, cold and down right soul crushing to name a few things. The truth is one cold hard bitch. Dammit, it’s my fault. I’m the one who doesn’t deal or face my problems because I feel it’s not my place to force anyone to deal with me and my insecurities, all these people who think I’m just some false regret…I neglect the problem, distract myself but it festers…It rots, it decays but then it spreads till it corrupts the very way I feel, look and act…Suddenly I’m as distant, cold and uncaring as the people I most probably hate by now. Just looking at the state I’m in, bent and broken; I’m pathetic…I don’t believe in universal truths anymore, I just force myself to be happy for everyone else because I can’t hear another “What’s wrong?” or “Are you okay?” I don’t know the answer myself. Think I’ll go back to being the absentee and let the few people left that might want me around come look for me; the same people who aren’t afraid to care…Those who still have the strength to care…I think of turning back to the bottle almost constantly, its all too tempting when escapism barely costs 10 bucks, it even comes chilled and flavoured…A slap in the face for those of us who escape our stormy minds the old fashion way…By facing those ghost and shadows in our grey, rain soaked thoughts; but I won’t drink because its stereotypical and I’d rather feel the pain and helplessness of my heart being strangled than feel nothing. So much for being careful, I guess my heart is more punching bag than fragile crystal…That thought is slightly more comforting than I’d like to admit, since I will never have to admit to ever having my heart truly broken by someone…Today really cut to the bone but the truth gave way to consequence…I thought I’d feel numb, thought I wouldn’t care but it hurts more now than when I forced myself to pull away, looks like my heart was at the same place it was all that time ago…No, my front will be as good as ever, maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to put on a better show…If I can’t be happy, I can at least try and make everyone else happy. Every single line I write aches with the meaning I’d never be able to put in words…Words with meaning only to me, everything is out of reach…I think I’ll just fall, fall until I fall asleep...
BYE.
7:30 PM