Feeling that old breathlessness come back, feeling myself moving closer to that edge, amused at my own willingness to step off. I can see that hole in my heart, its permanence all too familiar. Seems to me I’m destined to remain where I’ve always been. The more I reach for the farther I slip. The nostalgia of this pain is like a new high, I don’t understand it but I recognize it. I see right through, when one speaks to me. I know the difference between what is said and what is meant. Words are powerful because they bring with them memories that are difficult to unbind. Words to actions, actions to memories that can change the way you reflect against your world. If I don’t belong, who would’ve guess it? By now my soul has become rusted and weathered; my will, a double-edged blunt instrument. Time to break, time to bleed it out and time to take my face out of my hands. Pain doesn’t scare me, becoming numb does. Pain defines me now, I know it well enough to never know true fear. I even feel it during the empty highs of happiness and laughter. An ephiphany, that I like the way I feel is like a comfortable blanket. Pain; its keeping me warm. I embrace this only thing I know that never changes. I might decide to step off this edge I’m on, wrapped in my blanket of pain. But aleast on the way down, I know what I feel is real.
BYE.
9:15 PM