Sometimes it dawns on you that some things will always stay the same no matter how hard you try to pull away; it drags you back to a miserable agonizing place. Doesn’t help when the people around you can’t look you in the eye, let alone want you around and that they seem to feel obliged to talk to you…not that they want to. Then there are the little unexpected things that just make you want to break something…hit something till it hurts, then hit it some more. Little things like spilling your drink or stubbing your toe, can push you over the edge of self control…but the worst part is you know that there’s no one to blame…but you. Friends can only help so much…it also depends on how many friends you have or how many you think you have. Not being sure on who you can confide in, who you can trust and who you might push away if they knew how you felt about them or anything else…is something that drowns you. After a while, you stop saying anything, start pretending everything is okay and you stop being able to look these people in the eye, because of your selfish desire to tell the truth so you feel better, not knowing that doing just that will change how they act and talk to you…forever. Truth…it’s overrated, as if everything gets better because of it. But realistically one of the worst feelings in the world comes from telling the truth when it was not…needed…and you can never take it back no matter how your feelings have changed. You try to force these feelings down, as deep as you can but…you end up becoming jaded, numb and choked up when no one else is around…alone with your thoughts. You think talking to someone, sharing your feelings would some how make you feel better. No. All it does is make you feel more isolated because no one else will or can feel exactly how you feel and that just makes you drift farther away from everyone else. Home…your own house is no place of peace or solace…when you find out there’s a difference between a house and a home. Cause at the end of a long day you feel worse…after some laughter and talk with friends…knowing you’ll go home…back to your own head, alone, where its silent, dark and so painfully vast that you get lost the moment no one else is around. Everyone else has someone…you only have you…But you don’t ask for help because you don’t need or want the attention and don’t blame anyone other than yourself…you find an anchor, some superficial reason to keep you in place for the time being…just so you can look, be and function like a normal person…then drift away again when you’re alone or when you’re asleep. Alas, you don’t want sympathy, attention or help from anyone…just for everyone else to know who you are…and who you might be becoming. After saying what’s needed to be said…you only hope something will change and make you feel anything other than the numb solitude you have known for so long. Down…and getting deeper with every breath.
BYE.
3:20 AM